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How To Get Over That Guy In Six Surprisingly Easy Steps – Mallory Schlossberg

So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single...

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Funny Not Slutty Best on the Planet Winners!

Sponsored by The Louise Log 1. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Female Tina Fey – Winner!   2. Funniest Comedian on the Planet – Male Louis CK – Winner!   3. Funniest Actress/Actor on the Planet –...

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New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.”...

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Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes! It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to...

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How I’m Filling That 30 Rock Void ~ Ginny Leise

  Now that 30 Rock is over, I’m hunting for a replacement show to fill the void.  TV, as a whole, is in great shape right now. There are so many great shows out there it’s a struggle to keep up with...

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Memories of my America – Of Liberace and The Hope Diamond

Colombians are prone to embellishment, to taking a story and making it even grander. It was Gabriel Marquez, the famed Colombian novelist, who proclaimed, “To Colombians, life is a stage.” My mother...

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DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you,...

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You Poor, Stupid, Sad, Fat Girl by Adrianne Frost

  In the movies and on television, fat girls have it pretty bad. Frankly, fat girls are fucked. End of story. I personally have died twice, as a poor, stupid, sad, fat girl. The first time I died, it...

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Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means...

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K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know,...

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“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve. A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he...

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Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 1 – Mirra Laes

No car insurance? Oh well. No food money?  As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation?  We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE. Let...

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Game of Kardashians. It could happen.

The third season of Game of Thrones is over and I’m feeling down.  You too?  Or are you happy you don’t have to listen to all this “Mother of Dragons” crap at work anymore when you’d rather talk about...

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What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the...

Hello my little seal skins! Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the...

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Ten Signs You’re This Side of Middle Age ~ Alexandra

Middle age, halfway through your life. Suppose you live to be 72, divide that in half, and 36 is your middle age. Sounds so young, and yet… you’re not. You can do the math to figure out if you’re on...

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What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

Hello, my pasty pork chops! Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of...

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Cathy Ladman Does Ferguson

Cathy Ladman is a  stand-up comedian, television writer, and actor. She was featured in her own installment of HBO’s One Night Stand comedy series, and has been a guest on The Tonight Show on nine...

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Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest

  Why should you enter the Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest?!? You could win a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions. Your entry could be featured with...

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THE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE…store.

Warning: staring directly at apparel may cause permanent damage to corneas.   My daughter is now eight, so I’m happy to report that I’m done with globe-headed Caillou, that whiny little fuck, and...

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Ode to Spice Girls – Daniella R. Bondar

If I told you that I didn’t embarrassingly rock out to the Spice Girls on two separate occasions in the last four days, I’d be lying. Okay, so it was really three times. Three times in four days. In...

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